Read 'Em and Weep
by Chunkykcb
Summary: There is a new casino in ThunderClan territory? Jayfeather is a standup comedian who tells Chuck Norris jokes? Brambleclaw can use the force? Squirrelflight is addicted to gambling? Tigerstar is the Emperor? Can it get any weirder than cats gambling?
1. Who's Who

**Who's Who**

Texas Hold 'Em players – Firestar

Thornclaw

Brackenfur

Tawnypelt

Black Jack Dealer – Leafpool

Stand up comedian – Jayfeather

Slot machine players – Pretty much the all the rest of the clan cats!


	2. Read 'Em and Weep

**Read 'Em and Weep**

Jayfeather cleared his throat. "Hello everyone and welcome to the Dirty Kitties Casino! I'm Jayfeather, the new standup comedian since Hollyleaf had a nervous breakdown…" He trailed off.

"Get on with the jokes!" Onestar growled.

Jayfeather wiped a bead of sweat off his forehead. "You guys all know Chuck Norris right?" He asked shakily.

The crowd nodded.

"Well, if you have five dollars, and he has five dollars he has more money than you."

The crowd broke out laughing.

Jayfeather smiled, feeling more confident. "There is no ctrl key on Chuck Norris's computer, he's always in control!"

Onestar fell out of his chair laughing

"Apple pays him 99 cents every time he listens to a song." Jayfeather spoke into the microphone.

Brambleclaw rolled his eyes. "Pointless humor. I should be taking over the clans right now!"

Everyone stopped laughing and stared at Brambleclaw, their mouths gaping.

Brambleclaw raised his paw. "You want to forget what I just said and listen to Jayfeather again."

"We want to forget what you just said and listen to Jayfeather." The crowd repeated simultaneously.

The crowd turned their attention back to Jayfeather.

"Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open!" He called.

The crowd roared with laughter.

"Thank you, thank you." Said Jayfeather. "I'll be here all week!"

…

Firestar glanced suspiciously at the other players. They were playing Texas Hold 'Em and he had a Flush. "I go all in!" He announced.

Thornclaw stared at him in surprise. "I fold." He muttered.

Brackenfur pushed his cards to the dealer. "So do I."

Tawnypelt looked at Firestar with a wide grin on her face. "I go all in as well."

Firestar laid his cards on the table. "I have a flush!" He announced happily.

Tawnypelt laughed. "Read 'em and weep!" She laid her cards on the table showing she had a full house.

"Fox –dung!" Firestar yowled.

…

Crowfeather looked up at Leafpool. "We're having a party at the WindClan camp tonight, you want to come?" He asked.

Leafpool sighed. "Crowfeather, for the last time I'm not into you anymore! Now can we get back to the game?"

Crowfeather nodded. "Hit me, baby."

Leafpool rolled her eyes. "Lionblaze!"

Lionblaze walked up next to Leafpool. His muscles totally ripped. "He giving you trouble mom?" He asked in his tough voice.

Leafpool nodded.

Lionblaze; over three times the size of Crowfeather, picked the much smaller tom up by the neck and threw him out the window. "And stay out!"

…

Squirrelflight inserted another quarter into the slot machine. "Come on I want to win this time. I _must _win!" She pulled the lever and the machine showed that, once again she had lost. "No!" She yowled desperately.

Leopardstar looked over at her oddly. "Uh, Squirrelflight, are you okay?"

"Stay away from the precious!" She hissed.

Leopardstar slowly backed away.

Squirrelflight turned back to the machine. "Squirrelflight wants to win, Squirrelflight _needs_ to win! Come on precious!" She inserted another quarter and pulled the lever again.

Once again the machine showed she had lost. Squirrelflight hung her head. "Why does the precious hate Squirrelflight?" She whimpered.


	3. Darth Brambleclaw

**Darth Brambleclaw**

Firestar turned over in his bed and jolted awake. "Tawnypelt!" He hissed.

He had been thinking of ways to beat Tawnypelt but no matter what happened she always would beat him! Even though it was _his_ dream!

Firestar sat up and thought really hard about a way he could beat Tawnypelt. "I've got it!" He exclaimed. "Tawnypelt can't beat me if she's hurt and can't attend!"

He stood up and shook his pelt. "Time to go announce my brilliant plan to the clan!"

…

Brambleclaw looked around. _I'm in the dark forest again._ He thought. _But where's Darth Tigerstar?_

"You have come, my apprentice." A deep gravelly voice meowed.

Brambleclaw whipped around. "Darth Tigerstar!"

Darth Tigerstar leaped down next to Brambleclaw. "You have come."

Brambleclaw nodded. "I think I'm ready to become a Sith Lord like you!"

Darth Tigerstar nodded. "You have learned everything I have to teach you."

Brambleclaw felt his heart stop. "Finally I will get my name!"

Darth Tigerstar stared at him coldly. "Being a Sith Lord is more than having a name, you get a cool cape too!" Darth Tigerstar turned around and showed Brambleclaw his cape.

Brambleclaw bowed. "But of course, Darth Tigerstar."

"We shall begin. Brambleclaw, from this day forth you shall be known as Darth Brambleclaw! May the dark side of the force guide you to mentally disturb many cats!" Darth Tigerstar announced.

Darth Brambleclaw stood up. "Thank you, my master."

…

"All cats old enough to catch their own prey gather underneath the high rock for a clan meeting!" Firestar's yowl echoed across the clearing.

Cats slowly started the crawl out of their dens.

"Cats of ThunderClan," Firestar began. "We need to attack ShadowClan!"

"Why?" Squirrelflight asked drowsily.

Firestar narrowed his eyes. "We must attack them because they are coming for the precious."

Squirrelflight's eyes widened. "They must _never_ get the precious!"

Firestar nodded. "And, uh, that's why we have to strike first!"

Darth Brambleclaw stood next to Firestar. He whipped out a red lightsaber. "I am ready!"

"What in the name of StarClan is that?" Firestar exclaimed.

Brambleclaw looked down at the lightsaber. "This my light- I mean it's a red stick."

Firestar nodded. "Alright, now we're off to attack ShadowClan!"

…

Firestar looked around at the screeching, fighting cats. To his dismay, he couldn't spot Tawnypelt.

"Looking for me Firestar?" A voice behind Firestar meowed.

Firestar whipped around. "Tawnypelt!" He hissed.

Tawnypelt smiled sweetly at him. "You can't beat me in Texas Hold 'Em, and you can't beat me in a fight either!"

"You will die!" Firestar screeched and threw himself at Tawnypelt.

…

Darth Brambleclaw stabbed his lightsaber through a cat. He felt the dark side of the force coursing through his veins.

A cat jumped on top of Darth Brambleclaw and his lightsaber fell out of his paw. The cat had Darth Brambleclaw pinned down without a weapon. _What should I do?_ He thought desperately. _Use the force, Darth Brambleclaw, use the force._ He heard Darth Tigerstar's menacing voice.

Darth Brambleclaw clenched his paw in what looked like a fist and the cat was lifted into the air. The cat shook like mad as he struggled to breath. Darth Brambleclaw released his grip and the cat slumped to the ground, not moving. _Victory._

Firestar lunged for Tawnypelt and she side stepped. She slit his neck as he flew by and he slowly started to die. "You fail again Firestar." She meowed.

Everything faded to black.

Firestar blinked open his eyes again to see Tawnypelt was gone, and his clan was losing the battle. "Retreat ThunderClan!" He yowled and slowly the cats raced back to their own territory.


	4. The StarClan Police Department

**The StarClan Police Department**

Jayfeather looked around to see the casino packed tight. "Everyone's here." He sighed.

He cleared his throat. "Welcome everyone to the Dirty Kitties Casino! I'm Jayfeather the new standup comedian!"

The crowd clapped and cheered.

Jayfeather smiled. "Okay, on to the jokes. Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you!"

The crowd chuckled.

Jayfeather continued. "Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise!"

The crowd laughed hysterically.

Darth Brambleclaw rolled his eyes. These cats where addicted to Jayfeather and his Chuck Norris jokes! Then an idea came to him. _Maybe I should look into this humor, I could control these cats!_

"Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird!" Jayfeather spoke into the microphone.

The building shook with laughter.

"When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesn't get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out." Jayfeather finished.

The crowd roared with laughter.

Jayfeather bowed. "Thank you, thank you. I'll be here until they fire me!"

…

Firestar glared at Tawnypelt. She had a large grin across her face. He _would_ beat her.

"I go all in." She announced happily.

Firestar's eyes widened. He had four aces, but she probably had a Royal Flush! "I fold." He growled.

Thornclaw rolled his eyes. "I don't know why I even bother playing with you guys. I fold."

Brackenfur stood up. "I fold, and I quit."

Tawnypelt laughed. "You guys all fold? I have nothing."

Firestar dropped his head. "I'm going to go get a drink…"

…

Dustpelt looked down at his cards. "Hit me."

Leafpool dealt him an ace.

"Black Jack!" He announced happily.

Leafpool rolled her eyes. Dustpelt had won, for the seventh time in a row.

"Good job I guess." She muttered.

"Thanks!" He meowed. "And I wouldn't be able to win if I didn't know how to count cards!"

"What!" Leafpool exclaimed.

Dustpelt put his paw over his mouth.

"You cheater!" She growled.

"Well technically, it's not cheating." Dustpelt meowed.

"Lionblaze!" Leafpool yowled.

Lionblaze stepped next to Leafpool. "Yeah, mom?" His deep voice boomed.

"We have another card counter." Leafpool growled.

Lionblaze looked down at Dustpelt. "Let's go for a walk." He picked the smaller tom up and walked outside the casino.

…

Squirrelflight stroked the slot machine gently. "Come on precious, Squirrelflight wants to win."

She inserted a quarter and pulled the lever.

The machine revealed… She won!

"Yes!" She cried out. "Thank you precious!"

Money flowed out of the machine.

"All mine!" She meowed.

A large boom interrupted her thoughts and Squirrelflight spun around.

"No one move!" A gruff voice yelled. "This is the StarClan Police Department!"

"What do you want?" Someone asked.

"You're all under arrest for illegal gambling!" The cat stepped forward.

Everyone gasped. That cat was Redtail!

Lionblaze stepped forward, his muscles rippling. He bent down ready to pounce.

"Get on the ground!" Redtail growled and whipped out a gun.

"How in StarClan's name did you get a gun?" Onestar asked.

Redtail shrugged. "Beats me." He looked around and realized that none of the cats had obeyed his order to get on the ground. He lifted his gun and fired. "Get on the ground!"

This time everyone did, except Firestar and Squirrelflight.

Redtail turned to Firestar who was sitting in the bar section of the casino. "Firestar, I order you to get on the ground."

Firestar whipped around and fell over. "I swear to drunk I'm not StarClan!" He hiccupped and passed out on the floor.

Redtail turned around to face Squirrelflight. "Squirrelflight, step away from that slot machine and lay down."

Squirrelflight turned around her eyes glowing red. "I will never leave the precious!"

Redtail rolled his eyes and pulled out his phone. He dialed a number and spoke into it. "Yeah, it's a code 23. Yep, need backup."

Redtail hung up the phone. "By order of the state law, you are all under arrest."


	5. ObiFire Starnobi

**Obi-Fire Starnobi**

Darth Brambleclaw looked around. He knew where he was. The Dark Forest. "Darth Tigerstar!" He called out.

"I am here, my apprentice." A deep voice replied.

Darth Brambleclaw was flooded with relief.

Darth Tigerstar stepped out of the shadows. "Tonight I will tell you how to get out of the prison you are being held in."

Darth Brambleclaw nodded excitedly.

"Well-" Darth Tigerstar began.

"Wait!" Darth Brambleclaw interrupted him. "I sense something."

Darth Tigerstar said nothing.

"I sense, the presence of my old master!" Darth Brambleclaw blurted out.

Suddenly a cloaked figure dropped behind Darth Brambleclaw.

Darth Brambleclaw spun around and whipped out his lightsaber. "Obi-Fire Starnobi." He growled.

Obi-Fire lifted his hood. "I've come to stop you." He whispered softly.

Darth Brambleclaw snarled at him. "You'll never stop me!"

Obi-Fire shook his head sadly. "The Dark Side has clouded your judgment."

Darth Brambleclaw shook his head. "Nu-uh."

Obi-Fire shook his head. "Your own foolishness will be your downfall."

Darth Brambleclaw let out a caterwaul and threw himself at Obi-Fire Starnobi. He sliced the lightsaber right through the other cat's stomach. The cloak fell to the ground, but there was no Obi-Fire. _It's another one of his horrible tricks!_ He thought horrified.

"Come." Darth Tigerstar meowed gruffly.

Darth Brambleclaw turned. "We should go after him though!"

Darth Tigerstar shook his head. "The old fool is dead."

Darth Brambleclaw didn't argue again.

…

Firestar watched Brambleclaw twitch in his sleep. It was slightly amusing. Every once and awhile the cat would cry out about destroying some cat called Obi-Fire Starnobi.

Firestar chuckled, young cats. He turned around and fell asleep.

…

Firestar woke up in the morning. Sitting next to him was a silver platter. A single cookie sat on the platter, next to the cookie was a note.

Firestar picked the note up and read it. _To Firestar: From Bramble. P.S. This cookie isn't poisoned or anything. Any cause of immediate death after eating this cookie was completely unintentional._

_Seems safe enough._ Firestar thought and took a huge bite out of the cookie.

…

Darth Brambleclaw watched wickedly as Firestar ate his cookie. He had poisoned it, and there was no way Firestar would have any idea.

Firestar quickly finished the cookie. _3-2-1!_ Darth Brambleclaw counted, but nothing happened.

Darth Brambleclaw watched in bewilderment as Firestar walked by him, completely healthy. "Thanks for the cookie Brambleclaw." He added as he walked by.

Darth Brambleclaw stared after Firestar.

Suddenly Cloudtail staggered by clutching his throat. The tom's face was purple. Cloudtail dropped dead in front of Darth Brambleclaw. A piece of cookie was still hanging out of his mouth.

_Fox dung!_ Darth Brambleclaw thought.

**I know I haven't posted in a long time, writers block. I moved on, but hopefully this is half decent! :D**


	6. Prison Break

**Prison Break**

Firestar had had enough. He had been held in this _stupid_ prison long enough. It was time he got out.

The large orange tom leaped to his feet and slowly approached the bars.

A guard came around the corner at the same time and stopped.

"Hey," Firestar said casually. "You're shoes' untied."

The guard bent down to inspect his shoe and at that same time Firestar lashed out. Unfortunately the strike came short by a couple of inches. "Well… this is awkward." He stammered.

The guard opened the door and proceeded to beat the fox dung out of Firestar, but what he didn't realize was that while he was being pounded on Firestar had grabbed the guard's keys. The guard grunted and life Firestar to his own misery.

Firestar watched the guard and waited until he was half way down the hallway. He turned to everyone else in his cell. "We're busting out of here!" He yowled at the top of his lungs and unlocked the door.

All the cats came streaming out of the door. Firestar stuck his tongue out at the guard as they rushed by him.

A sudden banging sound stopped all the cats in their tracks though. They turned around to see the guard firing an AK-47! Firestar's mouth gaped open. "Seriously? Gambling cats is one thing, but an AK-47? Our writer must be pretty desperate…"

He stepped forward to intercept the guard but Dustpelt stopped him. "Go, I'll take care of the guard." He said to Firestar roughly.

Firestar looked confused. "How? He has a gun!"

Dustpelt smiled and pulled out a grenade. "This should cover it."

Firestar stood still, amazed. "Oh my StarClan! Is that enough?"

Dustpelt chuckled. "I got enough C4 to blow this place, and I plan to."

Firestar patted him on the back. "You will be remembered by gambling cats everywhere." He turned and ran for it.

A large crowd of cats scrambled after him, they murmured their thanks to Dustpelt as they passed him.

"Don't let them escape!" More guards had appeared on the opposite side. They all rushed at once.

Dustpelt inhaled deeply. He pulled the pin on his grenade and clutched the detonator for the 500 pounds of C4 that he had planted earlier. He threw the grenade and started the detonation. The brown tom let out a loud final war cry. "This…..is…THUNDERCLAN!"

-**Okay I know it was really really really really really really really really short, but I just had to end it like that. :P**


End file.
